Couples Therapy
Couples come to me stuck in a negative cycle. They have the same fights repeatedly with no real resolution. Sometimes, the negative cycle has created so much distance between the partners that they feel really alone and disconnected. And nothing seems to work to bring them back together, to really feel close and loved.
I provide evidence based Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in Attachment science to make sense of this negative cycle and to get in touch with the deeper, more vulnerable emotions that are driving it.
Couples walk away from me with a more secure attachment bond, a felt sense of the love and connection between them and with a sense of safety that they can catch their negative cycle and effectively deal with conflict or vulnerability in a way that creates more closeness- really a bond of love and connection.
“We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy- to survive.” Susan Johnson, Hold Me Tight
We will focus in on your cycle of interaction and find where you are blocked from turning to each other in stress, vulnerability or difficulty. When we look at these interactions from the Attachment science perspective- it makes sense. We need to feel our partner with us- especially when life gets tough and if we don’t feel like they are there, really with us and have a sense that it’s ok for us to be scared, unsure or hurting, then we will do lots of things to try to get them to hear and see us or we will withdraw because it’s too painful.
If you are stuck in this negative dance- here are some things you may be doing to try to reconnect with your partner, to protect the relationship, to be heard and seen or to protect yourself:
- Getting silent
- Being really angry and yelling to get your partner to hear yourself
- Retreating behind your wall to avoid one more fight
- Trying to not ask for your emotional needs and then blowing up
- Blaming your partner
- Criticizing little things
- Arguing about the same things
- Avoiding talking about important issues like money, intimacy, or parenting
EFT takes the stance that no one person is to blame, but that the cycle is the problem. The things that you each do in this cycle make sense when we look at it from the attachment science perspective. In our work together, my goal will be to form a connection with each partner, to be sure I am really getting each of you and each of you feel safely seen and understood. In this safety we can explore the emotions, regulate them and have new experiences of sharing our deepest fears, needs, longings. This process helps create a secure bond in which you feel really known and understood by your partner and safe to share your true self and vulnerability in a way that your partner can respond to with warmth, caring and strength. When you both have this felt sense of knowing and believing deep inside that your partner will be there, you are secure.